Mason, I love you.

Thursday June 23rd around 5:30 AM I was startled by a loudest pounding sound on my window. This has happened once before but this time things were a little different because I was still groggy and a little annoyed. I grabbed my keys so that Juan could use my car to make it to work because he missed the train. I opened up the front door and was immediately wrapped in a hug that I will never forget. Juan did the hardest thing you could imagine and I could not be more grateful that I have him as my rock and that he was the one to be there when the message was delivered. As he embraced me he said four simple words that changed my life forever. "Mason didn't make it." I remember leaning back and saying, "Are you serious?" My mind could not comprehend what he just told me. The surgery went fine. This is a sick joke. Why is he saying this. "Are you serious?" came out of my mouth again. That's when he answered back "I am so sorry." A phrase that I would hear a million more times after Mason's passing because it is the only thing you can say. It was at that moment that I felt the most horrifying pain. Worse than a punch in the gut. It felt as if my heart had been ripped out from my chest. Darkness and emptiness were the only things that filled my entire body.

I called my dad because my entire family had been trying to reach me but my phone was on silent this particular night. As I talked to my dad, I was still in shock. I think am still in shock because it does not feel real. As we spoke over the phone, the reality sunk in just a little bit more. My dad was trying not to cry. After the phone call Juan walked me in to my room and lifted me into bed. I felt numb. I did not want to move and I barely felt alive. That's when the guilt hit me. I spent his last days focused on myself and my dreams. His birthday was spent doing things for me and not him. He sat in a theater filled with people who will never know how wonderful my baby brother was. I did not get to say goodbye or tell him how much I love him one last time. I was not prepared for this in the slightest. I do not understand how this is my new reality.

Shortly after the news broke Juan and I drove down to Las Vegas. I did not want to talk much. Slowly Juan broke open my shell like he normally does and we talked about everything. I remember asking if Mason was alone. I did not want him to be scared. I was afraid for him. I love my brother more than anything and I do not want him to be suffering in any way. Did he know anyone on the other side? Can he see me? Can he hear me? Is he happy? Is he okay? Can anything bad happen to him? These questions might seem silly to you but until you are put in this situation you will never know the fear and questions that come. I remember telling Juan that I was afraid to go home because I felt like it was going to make it more real and being surrounded by everyone was going to make it more difficult.

After the longest ride in the car I was not excited to be home. I braced myself as we turned into my neighborhood. I was hoping that Mason would be standing at the front door laughing because it was all a joke. I wanted that more than anything. I would not be mad in the slightest. There are still times that I hope to see him walk through the front door or to give me a phone call and just say that it was all a joke. Seeing my family in this state was so humbling. I love my family more than words can describe. The hardest part is knowing that I cannot do anything to help them fill the hole that we all have in our hearts. Mason is an amazing person and no one will ever be able to fill the crater we are all left with because of his absence.

Our house was full. Full of love, family, friends, flowers, laughter, tears, sadness, pain, and wonderful memories. It is still full of all of those things and it makes me happy to know that Mason and my family are truly loved by so many people. I cannot thank all of the people who came to talk and to love and care for my family. For the countless items that were brought to our home. To the people that shared their personal experiences that brought hope and light for the future. For the text and Facebook messages. Also, the silent acts of kindness that no one knows about but that brought feelings of love to my family.

Soon it had been a week and I was afraid to go dress my brother's body. Not because of anything other than the fact that it would become a reality that he was really gone. I won't go into detail about this special day. It was hard but it was beautiful. I love my brother so much. I know he was close by and was having a good time watching over the family. I want to share a short story about Mason. A few months ago I had a giveaway for a tie from DAZI. I got a call from Mason after I had posted about it and he wanted the tie more than anything. I told him he would have to enter in order to win. Mason is not the type of person to enter a giveaway but after our phone call I had a notification on Instagram letting me know that Mason had entered the giveaway. My mom and I talked and laughed about it because he actually entered. Since his birthday was coming up, I bought him and Zach a tie from DAZI. The next time I came to visit I told Mason that he won the giveaway even though he didn't and I gave him the tie that he wanted so badly. He was so excited and he was yelling in the house "I WON A GIVEAWAY, I'M A WINNER!!!" My mom and I were laughing so hard at his excitement. He would tell my mom how much he loved this tie. When we were deciding what we wanted to dress Mason in, my mom said we should have him wear that tie with his suit. It may seem like such a small thing but knowing that he had that final gift meant the world to me. So thank you DAZI for reaching out to me to feature your ties on my blog. You will never know how much your ties have meant to my family.

Trey, Aaron, Brady, Richie, Tyler, Alexis and everyone else who participated in the concert that was held the night before Mason's services, I wish I could put into words how strong you could feel Mason's presence. For those of you who don't know him very well, Mason was a lover of music. It was his way of life. He loved being a part of his band. When they had a concert in honor of Mason it was like you could hear him singing if you listened close enough. It was in that moment that I knew he was happy. I will never forget the feeling that I experienced that night. I am tearing up just thinking about it.

Mason's celebration of life was an amazing day. Hundreds of people came and supported our family as well as paid tribute to Mason and the wonderful person that he is. As I spoke, it was amazing to see how many people were there. The entire chapel and both overflows were full. From what I could tell, there was not an empty seat.

I love you Mason. I am sorry that your life was cut short due to heart failure. I wish that we had more time. I wish that my children would get to experience your humor and just know how amazing their Uncle Mason is. I wish that you could attend my wedding. I wish that I could attend yours. I wish I could have been the favorite aunt to your children (sorry Jess). There are so many more things that I wish, but I know that life will continue on and one day we will be together again and this lost time will not feel like a thing. Until that time, I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I love all of your jokes. I love your music that we would listen too. I miss all of the times we worked in the shack together. All of our secrets that we share. I am sad that my partner in crime and the other middle child has left me to get in trouble all on my own. I am sad that the Kenny call won't be echoing through the house when I come to visit. Most important, I am so grateful that I have you as my brother. You are a great kid and you deserve the best. I love you with all of my heart. I promise to carry on your legacy for the rest of my life. I love you Mason.